Salvation on the Mind

Long time no talk! I usually wait for the urging of the Holy Spirit to let me know what I should talk about. Lately the topic of salvation has come up..in different ways.

First of all, I have been doing one bible study on Revelation and one on Daniel. Yup..deep stuff. This is my 3rd go at Daniel, not that I'm a slow learner, I just LOVE it. Daniel is full of amazing images of our God and the future He has for us (and a lot of behind the scenes stuff..angels and spiritual warfare). Very cool stuff. The Revelation bible study really makes me think of His grace, His patience, and His wrath to come to those who refuse Him. Most people are scared of the book of Revelation. Granted, there are unimaginable scenes, with dragons, beasts, destruction, and the end of the world as we know it..but it is also a message of hope and love and redemption. Basically, Revelation shows us Jesus taking his rightful place by God, and God answering the cries of the martyred saints by sending His wrath to earth. Okay, that still sounds a bit scary but if you've read the bible and even looked around nowadays you have to agree that God has given people many, many chances to repent. Back in the old days (Old Testament) God gave the Israelites sooo
 many chances, but they kept refusing him, turning back to worshiping idols, being sexually immoral, murdering, etc... Then Jesus came. "He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name he gave the right to become children of God--children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:10-13). They did not receive him, they killed him. But he rose again and still calls to people to believe in him so that they may have everlasting life with him. But people don't receive him.

Our culture now is all about pleasuring ourselves. Just look at commercials..."because you're worth it"...if you drive this car, drink this beverage, look like this..you too will be successful, conquer the world, be unstoppable....because it's only about you. Look at reality TV...they have no clue. My favorite series to help me illustrate this concept is "The Housewives of Orange County"...excess at its best. Life is about becoming rich, famous, thin, beautiful..pampering yourselves because there is no consequences. Either there is no God or if there is He will understand...after all, He's merciful isn't he? Makes me shudder. Now, the point isn't that if you're rich you are going to hell. The point is if you're rich and hold your money more favorably than God, you are in need of some repentance. If you give of yourself, whether that be money or service or both, and hold God to be Master over your life then you get the point. And it doesn't mean that if you are poor you are automatically saved either. It has to do with the heart of a person and his asking God to be his Lord and Saviour. It has to do with repentance and the grace of God and obeying God. It has nothing to do with finances, beauty, age, gender, or even with how much sin a person carries. Give it all to God.

Whew! God is so patient, so loving. But you must also remember he is the Ancient of Days and the Ultimate judge. There is so much sin and evil in the world...pornography, sex trade, kidnappings, pedophiles, murders, sexual immorality...so much. Paul spoke of these days: "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--having a form of godliness but denying its power" (2 Timothy 3:2-5). I know that sounds really harsh, but take a real good look at the news, our TV programs, the magazines and just see. Yes, there are good people in the world still. Ones who smile, are friendly and seem to give hope to the world..but if they don't know Jesus they still aren't saved. Maybe the world is too clouded with lies for them to see the Truth. As the saying goes.."The greatest scheme of the Devil is making the world believe he doesn't exist". Believe me, I know how hard it is to think that someone you know is not saved. You want to argue it out.."But she is so nice...she never has hurt anybody...she gives to charities and volunteers to the needy...she is joy to people around her.." Bargaining with God..."Come on God...just her...please?" Oh God does want her, and her, and him, and them... But she is the one who needs to answer the call. We can testify and be examples to those who aren't saved...that we might show Jesus through our actions, our words..and we can pray..a lot. You see God doesn't want anyone to be lost. Are you kidding me? He sent His only son to die for us that we could be saved! He sacrificed His only son for you..for them..for anyone that would come to know him..anyone..whatever the sin..anyone. Once and for all. It was done. Think on that. What would you sacrifice for your son/daughter, what would you sacrifice for your mom/dad, what would you sacrifice for your neighbour, what would you sacrifice for a stranger, what would you sacrifice for that guy that made you so mad, what would you sacrifice for a thief, a murderer, a pedophile....didn't think so. It's easy to sacrifice something for the ones you love, the ones who love you back..try to sacrifice something that you love so much for someone who is a stranger, and maybe a stranger who is dripping with sin. He did. Once and for all. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Thank you Father!

A relative of mine has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I have prayed for healing, as did many in our family. But more than healing I pray for her to receive Jesus as her personal Lord and Saviour. The hurt of the diagnosis is weighed that much heavier when salvation is at stake. Sweet Jesus I pray that she reaches for you Lord. I pray that she and her husband will be saved and also that he will look to God for strength and comfort during this time. It's all so sad. I'm sure you have experienced a similar situation. You want to just cry out, shake them, make them understand. But I think that would worsen their idea of Christianity! Oh Lord, your will be done. I feel so helpless. Or rather, that is what the enemy would have us feel. We have power and strength through Jesus Christ. Prayer is powerful. Prayers don't just float up into the air..God cherishes them. I learned that in the book of Revelation. Our prayers are contained as an incense in golden bowls at the throne of God "Each one [24 elders] had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense which are the prayers of the saints" (Rev. 5:8b). We need to recognize that as Christians we have power to inflict damage on the enemy. Praying is not, or shouldn't be seen as, a passive gesture, hoping God hears us, but if not, than oh well..it's just little ol' me. No way! My bible study girls and me have been camping on the verses in Ephesians 6:13-18: "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests". One of the girls in my bible study noted that the sword of truth is the only offensive weapon against the enemy. The word of God inflicts injury on the enemy. Pray the word out loud people! I catch myself sometimes thinking.."Well. I can pray for healing and salvation, but ultimately, it's God's choice.." And yes, God is the ultimate decision maker but he wants people to be righteous..to be saved. When we pray for salvation we become participants in spiritual warfare. Don't you think that the enemy wants that person to die unsaved? What purpose does the enemy have except to try to thwart salvation. He lies, deceives, tricks, conceals..anything he can to block us from God's saving grace. So don't think that you are powerless. Believe you are warrior in God's army. I'm taking up my sword..who's going to join me?

Anyone reading this who is has never committed themselves to Jesus and would like to, here is a prayer you can pray. Maybe you think you have committed in the past, but your not sure, it's okay to ask again. God doesn't mind.You don't need witnesses or nice gospel music playing in the background in order to say this prayer, you just need to be sincere. This is between you and God. He knows you and he's been waiting for this moment all your life :)

Dear Jesus,

I am a sinner and I have decided to put my trust in you. I want you to be my Lord and Saviour. Please forgive me for my sins. I want you to come into my life, into my being. Lord, I want you to be Master over my life. I surrender all to you Lord. In Jesus's name I ask this. Amen.

Yay! The angels are rejoicing! As Jesus said..." there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not repent "(Luke 15:7) Now what you say? The adventure has just begun my friend! Read your bible, go to church (it's important to be around other believers), get into a bible study..find Christians in your area where you live and work If you live in the Grande Prairie area I would love to help you out! Leave me a message in the comment box!

Drama Queen

I waited for you today, but you didn't show...no.
I needed you today, so where did you go?
You told me to call, said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you...are you still there?
I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know...
You're here and I'm never alone.
And though I can not see you and I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance you've placed in my life
We cannot separate cause you're part of me and though you're invisible I'll trust the unseen.
I cried out to no reply and I can't feel you by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know...
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate, you're part of me
And though you're invisible I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know...
You're here and I'm never alone.


Love that song. Funny thing is that I played that song over and over before going to Mozambique. I just loved their voices, it's a powerful song. But I remember thinking how sad it would be to not feel God close to you and how lucky I was that I had never had that experience before. Funny how that works. Never has that song been more of a personal lamentation than since I have returned. Yup, I am still working my way out of this pit. As I spoke of in my last blog, I have felt that He has been distant from me. And I don't know why.

Since coming home I felt blah. It is getting better, but it is still there. I'm not sure how well you and I know each other, but suffice it to say that I'm usually quite chipper. I'm known for my smile. I love smiling. Lately it's been hard to smile at times. One day I refused to speak to my whole family because they chose to go to Fatburger for lunch after church instead of somewhere that served soup and sandwiches. Yes, you read that right. Isn't that pathetic? But at the time I was right miffed! I even broke down and cried in the bathroom, lest someone see me. I was so angry, my thoughts began to point out every misfortune I could think of : not world poverty, the hungry or injustices..nope..I mean the really big misfortunes.."doesn't anybody know how to change a toilet paper roll?"..."there's crumbs everywhere on the floor!"..."who keeps drinking all my pop!!!"...such travesty! I'm snickering now, but man, was I mad! And then when I am less angry, I am just...blah.

I spoke to Tamara the other night thinking this is some weird "missionary" thing, like reverse culture shock. But I don't think it is a culture shock issue. After talking with her we realized that we both have been feeling the same blahness. We discovered that we both felt that, while loving Mozambique, we almost felt like we cheated? Let me explain... When one goes on a mission, or rather, is called to go on a mission trip basic fears are there...the unknown mostly. Will I have to eat weird meat? Will I be able to bathe? Where do we go to the bathroom? Will I have to kill my supper...or will my supper kill me? You get the idea. There's sacrifice involved...whether it be a couple of pounds...comfort...control...or even your life. Even those who haven't been called to go seem to empathize with those called. There's a lot of back patting, and "good for you"s, and the look of  "Thank God it was you and not me called.." You can imagine then after all this anticipation (mind you, not good anticipation), we felt like we cheated the system. We were treated so well! We had our own cottage to stay in for goodness sake! We ate very well, we even had Lay's chips, Mars bars and diet coke! Because we were there for only a short time and there were so few of us, we were toured around and shown all the blessings there. Lynn and Dwight became our friends, they even took us to Gorongosa Park! I'm not complaining, it was fantastic. And I never thought too much of the stark contrast between what was expected as a missionary and the reality we came to know. Because what we saw was infused with hope. I expected some dreary World Vision commercial, with starving children that had swollen abdomens that were too weak to swat the flies away from their eyes. What I saw was hope, love, and the amazing work of the mission...all imparted because of God.

As Tamara and I were talking she said something profound: "We saw poverty wrapped in hope". I told her how I felt the hopelessness in Cairo, yet it was an industrialized city of 22 million people, where Mozambique was a third world country and all I felt was hope. Mozambique is a shining example of what happens when you add God to the equation. Yes, there is still suffering and poverty and need, but there is hope. God's light shining on the darkness. Thank you Father!

 So you can imagine when we came back and people asked "How was it?"(spoken with a touch of sensitivity, because you know, we suffered...) and I smile and say it was great, they look at me with a tilt of their heads and say "oh, really?" I then say, "no, it was really cool..really neat.." Immediatly after saying this I'm thinking that I'm such a moron for saying a mission trip was neat and cool. Really LauraLee? Really? Neat? Cool? Mission trips are anything but neat and cool...they are profound, life-changing (that was tossed around a lot), and the "No one comes back the same person" thought. Yup..and I said it was neat. Wonderful. You see the thing was is that it was cool, and fun, and we laughed, and the only tears I shed were from seeing God in the eyes of people singing. As weird as it sounds, I was expecting to see someone die. Die from something easily treated here in Canada. I was expecting to hold someone's hand as they suffered. I was expecting to see loss..and hopelessness. Isn't that a pre-requisite for a mission trip? But instead God blessed us with an awesome insight to his work there. And now you are wondering why I wouldn't want that right? I do. I am very thankful that we were able to see what we did. I just think that is part of the reason why I am feeling the way I am. I don't feel like I went on a mission trip. I feel like I went to Mozambique on a trip. I feel like I have failed others expectations of me as a missionary, even as short as it was.

I am human. I like a good story. This chapter was infused with drama. Going to go to England...nope. God came calling. Go to Mozambique He said. Let Me work on those fears of yours. Rely on Me, not yourself. I will carry you. I never have felt God as closely as when I did in these times. I am yours Lord. Take me where you want me to go. I surrender. Thank you Father! Anticipation builds. Oh something is coming. I can feel it in my marrow! Mozambique. Beautiful. I can see God everywhere. Hello? God? Where did you go? Silence. Egypt. Fear.Anxiety. You do not belong here. You are not wanted here. Hopelessness. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed and yet I never have felt less close to God. Silence. Lord you are with me, I know your promises. And home. And...hello? God? Blah. Searching. Praying. Blah. I'm going to serve You even if I don't feel you.

Then after we get home, we receive horrible news from Mozambique: a woman who is very sick walks to the mission farm, only to die in hospital soon after...another woman who was also sick survives thanks to the quick response of the mission...pictures of snakes..lots of bugs...and sadly, the last news we received was that a grandchild of one of the pastors there was hit by a vehicle and killed. Devastation. There still is sadness and tragedy. It was as if we were shielded from it for that time. Why? I don't know. Maybe that wasn't what God wanted us to come away with, maybe this message is what God wanted me to come back with. He wanted me to see and feel the hope...of Him. Tangible, real, visual, observable hope. Maybe He wants me to tell people about it, He knows I like to talk. Yup. Got it. Thank you Father! You knew I would get it eventually. I guess I feel like the story was a little anti-climatic. I like drama. I was thinking there was going to be something huge happen. And maybe something huge is happening, only it's unseen. Be patient with me Father :)

Expect the Unexpected

So at last I sit trying to write in my blog. I know it has taken me quite awhile. When we came home from Africa, I wanted to spend time with my family (of course), then I had to work, then I got sick with a 3 week cold..not fun. But to tell you the truth...that has never stopped me before..so what's up? Good question. It has had me puzzled too. And I still don't really understand, so I thought maybe I should write and maybe God will disclose it to me.

Where do I start? The beginning seems the best place :)

I have come to the realization that I do not care for flying. It's nothing that anyone did..the plane was nice, the flight attendants were pleasant enough, and 3 or 4 hours in I was fine. I distracted myself by watching movies and listening to music. Half way to England, after about 4.5 hours of flying, I wanted to leave the aircraft. It felt as though the ligaments holding my kneecaps were going to rip in two. Slightly uncomfortable. That and the fact that panic was starting to set in..."I am flying 35000 feet in the air"..."What really holds this plane together?"..."what is with all the bumps..there are no potholes up here.." "We are flying over the ocean, no chance of emergency landing..." Let's just say I was talking to Jesus a lot. Then, about the time when I was calmed and was drifting off into a nice slumber..they served supper..."Umm..it's like 1:30 in the morning?" But, I dug in. What can I say? I love food. I didn't love the subsequent heartburn...back to a sleepless state. Great. This scenario played out on the way to England (9.5 hour flight), on the way to South Africa (11.5 hour flight), and back. But at last we arrived in Mozambique..2 days later! We were sooo tired, but equally excited.

Mozambique. I loved Mozambique. But I especially loved the people. Right from the start it took me by surprise. Going in we never really knew what to expect. All I can say is what preconceived thoughts I had about the place, the people, and even the experience did not come close to the reality. The first thing that shocked me was when we saw mud huts with grass roofs dotted along the landscape. I never thought it would look like that. It was beautiful in its simplicity. But it goes way deeper than that. I suppose I thought the people would look like those on the World Vision commercials...all malnourished, flies feeding off of their lips and eyes, children too weak to play...basically I though there would be a sense of hopelessness and sadness. All I saw was hope. No, that is wrong...I felt the hope. It was a feeling that I cannot explain. Yes, there is sadness. There is a need for education about health care. When people come too late to the health clinics and die from something that could have possibly been treated if they had come earlier. The hospitals run out of necessary supplies to care for patients, like needles. Children have to stay away from their homes if they want to continue with their education passed grade 6. And the places they stay have to be sprayed for ants. And there is more. There are so many challenges to overcome with the people's superstitions, with government agencies, with the utter lack of resources to build and work with. But ...wow. What a place.

I had thought going in that Lynn and Dwight must be pretty nice people in order to do what they do, after all, they're missionaries and Christians. But no. Once again my expectations were blown away. They are not just nice. They are the most welcoming people I have ever met. I felt at home from the first day. Yes, they are missionaries, and Christians. But, they are so normal..one of us. It sounds funny, but I always thought a person must be really holy to be a missionary. What is holy to me you ask? Well, I thought that they would be nice..but proper..no goofing around. Very spiritual and no-nonsense. My idea of holy has changed. They represent my new standard of what it is to be holy..to be a missionary. I think it must be a requirement to know how to laugh if one becomes a missionary. Because we laughed...a lot. I love sarcasm. I thought we would have to reign in our sarcastic ways, try to be more serious, more pious. I was relieved when Dwight started teasing me about something I did or said. "He's one of us?" Lynn and Dwight had invited us to supper on more than one occasion. And around the supper table we all learned so much about each other. Guess what? They are just like us. They once had struggles, doubts about God's calling. But they chose to follow where God called them.

When God called them to go to Mozambique, it was just after the war had ended. They had 2 small children. When they arrived in Maputo they said it looked like the apocalypse had already come. Lynn said she was afraid for her children and often questioned if God really wanted them to stay. When they felt called to go to central Mozambique, in a more rural area, they had to build everything. They were basically camping in the bush..with snakes, no water, nothing. They have done so much since then. Not only by building houses, workshops, fields, an airstrip (almost), irrigation systems, roads, health clinics, schools..etc. But they have built such strong relationships with the people. They have established strong relationships with the local people, and continue to reach others through Lynn's health care outreach and Dwight's ability to teach the gospel to pastors through his pastoral training program. They support the community through orphan programs, milk feeding programs, widow outreach, sponsorship programs and by employing many at the mission farm. I don't know how many times I heard Dwight say "It probably looks like we don't have much accomplished, but everything takes so long to get arranged here because there are no resources". All I could think was..."are you kidding me?" I cannot believe how much they have accomplished! I only hope and pray that more people will go and see what they have done.

As I said at the beginning, my expectations were not met. What I had thought I would see and feel did not become reality. I already told you what I thought I would see in the people and how they lived, and how I was awed at their beauty. The people smiled, and laughed. They sit outside with their family and friends, they don't hide in their houses like we do. And wow, do they know how to worship!

It actually made me cry to hear them sing in church..yes, the ugly cry..in front of the whole church! What could I do? I could feel God so strongly it just made me weep. After the sermon there was an altar call for prayer. Everyone in that church went to the front. Everyone. I'm talking the woman in crutches with one leg and her blind daughter, right down to the 3 and 4 year olds. They all wanted prayer. I was watching this in awe when Lynn said to Tamara and me that we were being called up to the front to pray for people. Panic. I quickly said "I don't know Portuguese, I won't know what they want prayer for!" You see I was still thinking with my North American mentality. I mean, we have an altar ministry in our church..people are trained for this stuff! But Lynn said if they come to us for prayer we just pray for them...whatever God puts on our hearts. They know that God hears prayers in every language. It was beautiful. Such faith.

We had devotions every morning at  7 am with Lynn and Dwight and the workers. We were able to tell our testimonies, albeit in short form and in simple terms because it had to be translated into Portuguese for the workers to understand. Stephen's testimony broke my heart because it began with how I had broke his heart. Thank you God for turning even the most horrible times into times of unspeakable grace and forgiveness. Thank you Father. Thank you for intervening in our lives and calling us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot even think where we would be today if you had not entered into our lives. Bless you Father!

Another one of my expectations was not met. This one is the most confusing to me. I did not feel God like I expected to. Now, I know this sounds strange after talking about how I could feel God in the church and openly weeping in front of the whole congregation. It is hard to explain. I could see God everywhere. The landscape is so beautiful. I could see God in the trees, the hills, the people, etc. But I didn't or couldn't feel Him like I could at home. At home I know He's with me when I get an urging of the Holy Spirit, in worship singing, in church during a sermon, when I'm with my girls in bible study....but in Mozambique I didn't feel Him personally. It scared me. Was my faith so superficial that I needed these outside influences before I could feel my God? I spoke to everyone about it. But nothing. I prayed about it but it felt like my prayers were resonating off the ceiling. Nothing. Scary. I knew God was with us. It was evident in all the prayers that had already been answered: our bags with all the medication and donated items (3 large bags) made it safely with no hassle, we didn't even have to pay for the extra bags like we thought we had to; there was no problem with the flights; we didn't see one snake or scorpion, and no tarantulas. Logically I knew that God was with me because I believe in His promise that He would never leave me, but I didn't feel Him. I thought that I would feel God more powerfully than I had ever felt Him. Instead I felt Him less than I have since I actively sought Him. People go on missions to be changed by experiencing God in ways they never had before. Right? That is what I thought. People told me before I left that I will be changed by this, everyone is changed after they go on a mission. I was eager with anticipation. So you can imagine my dismay when I felt...nothing. I wasn't in a depressive state. Like I said, I could appreciate the beauty of it all. It was fascinating to see God's majesty. I just felt that instead of having a direct line of communication with God, he had put me on hold. Then we went to Egypt.

Egypt. I have to say that seeing the pyramids, the sphinx, temples and tombs was really cool and interesting. I mean you see these things on Discovery channel! And climbing Mount Sinai was awesome and ultimately, the best part of Egypt. Overall though, I did not like Egypt. It was another one of those expectations that I had that didn't turn out how I thought it would. First of all, let me say that if you are an Egyptian or know an Egyptian..I'm sorry. But, this blog is about my life as I know it.

It all started on the flight to Egypt. We flew out of Johannesburg, South Africa on Egyptair. The plane was nice enough. It was different hearing announcements in Aramaic, then in English but it was expected. The flight was another 8 hour over night flight. My favorite. Now, I don't know why, but I started to get an anxious feeling over me. Maybe it had something to do with the turbulence (which I thought was horrible, but Stephen claims was minor turbulence). I don't know what it was. I was frightened and anxious, and tense. I felt like a ball of stress. I tried to relax. I prayed..a lot. I thought I was going to die. I mean, I don't care for flying but I was scared to death on this flight. The enemy was attacking me like crazy. I thought we were going to crash for sure. I was praying To God to give me strength, to guide us safely to Cairo, to send His angels with us to protect us from the enemy..everything I could think of. I'm anxious right now as I write this thinking of it. I mean I whimpered out loud during the turbulence. Scary. Obviously, we landed safely. Then we met our tour guide who was taking us to Mount Sinai, which was a 6 hour drive (note to readers: don't do an overnight flight, then drive 6 hours in the dessert..not fun). On the way, I still had the same feelings I had on the plane. Maybe it was the military presence with automatic guns everywhere, or the tanks being loaded on to trucks, or the sniper lookouts, or the crazy driving, or even my lack of sleep...who knows? But even after we reached our hotel, and had a sleep before climbing the mountain, I felt the same feeling. I remember standing in the shower, getting ready to go climb Mount Sinai, and trembling. I was trembling, not because I was cold, but because I was scared. Scared of what, I don't know. Yes, I was nervous about climbing Mount Sinai, but I was also excited. This was different. It was like my body was sensing fear that my brain wasn't aware of. Weird. However, climbing the mountain, the feeling left. Now, whether this is because my body was too exhausted to care..who knows? I think it was because I kept thinking about God, and Moses, and that if, just if, this was the place where the Israelites escaped from Egypt and met God. That this could have been the place where God gave His 10 commandments to the people. It was awesome. Let me be clear, I'm not saying I doubt the exodus, I'm just saying that no one knows for sure if this is 'the' Mount Sinai or if it is somewhere else. But it is quite an experience regardless. There were so many people climbing the mountain that morning (we started at 2am, and we reached the top at 4:30am). It was inspiring to hear different cultures singing worship songs in their languages as the sun came up. Beautiful. Peaceful. No anxiety. Maybe because we were with God's people on God's mountain? Who knows?

We were back on the road later that day to Cairo. Anxiety resumed.  I know it's weird, but I almost had the feeling like we didn't belong there, that we weren't wanted. Now, the people themselves were very pleasant. It's not like anyone made us feel that way..it was just the feeling I got about the whole place. Egypt is one of the largest Islamic centers in the world. There is a mosque on every corner..I'm not kidding you..on every corner. There are calls to prayer throughout the day that are blared from minarets everywhere. I'm not going to lie, I felt very uncomfortable. I'm not bashing Muslims, or saying I hate them. But I believe they are lost. They think they have the truth, but they don't. Their religion is based on a lie and that saddens me. While in Cairo I realized that I felt more hope in Mozambique, a third world country, than I felt in Egypt. I felt that Egypt had this cloud of oppression over it, even though they had more economically than Mozambique. I just wanted to go home.

About a week after we got home I was telling my friend about my experience in Egypt..the anxiety I felt. And she said something that rang true to me. She suggested that maybe I had felt the spiritual strongholds present there. Reminding me of Ephesians 6:12 : "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I believe with all my heart that that was what I was feeling. I wasn't welcome there. I didn't belong there. Not by the people, but by the spiritual forces there. They knew that they couldn't touch us, that we didn't belong there. I wonder if they could see the seal on us. "Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession-to the praise of his glory."(Ephesians 1:13-14). So I guess my expectation was met..I experienced God in a powerful way, a way I never have experienced Him before.

Lately I have been feeling lonely again for Him, like I need to reacquaint myself with Him. You ever feel that way? Where you just feel...blah? Like you need a good wakening. A splash of water to revive you again? Yup. That's where I am. I'm not sure why. I feel that I have been given a gift..to feel the spiritual battle going on amongst us. So why am I so...blah? I have been so busy since coming home...busy being sick and tired. I need to just be.  I need to listen again, to spend some quality time with God. But, truth be told, just writing now has helped me. The enemy is slick..he gets you sidetracked with work, with sickness, with excuses...just enough to cover your eyes a little, cover your ears a little..numb out everything...until you feel ...blah. We need to fight the blahness. With everything. Blahness is more dangerous than anger towards God. When you are angry at God you are still fighting...when you become apathetic you slowly sink into a state of numbness where you become just what the enemy wants you to become...inert. Inert means to be unmoving, immobile, lifeless, motionless, inactive. Sounds a lot like how the enemy would like to see us. I'm thinking I just got a disclosure from God on why I have been feeling the way I have. The enemy is trying to unable me from doing what God is calling me to do. Thank you Jesus!

I'm not sure why I never felt God as closely as usual in Mozambique. Maybe He was teaching me to rely on Him even when I don't feel Him. Maybe He was preparing me for Egypt. Maybe if I wasn't trying to feel Him as much as I was I wouldn't have been able to feel the spiritual strongholds I felt. The truth is, I'm not sure right now why. But I do know that I trust Him. Things happen for a reason, whether or not we know the reason. Now that I'm thinking of it, I think I was almost disappointed when I came home, that I never had a 'wow' moment with God. I think I almost felt like I failed at the whole mission thing. No revelations, no powerful manifestations of God. Way to go LauraLee. I think that thought right there gave the enemy enough of a footing to twist me into a state of...blahness. Tricky bugger.

Lesson learned: God loves when you have expectations of Him, but be flexible enough so that God can mold that expectation into something greater, something you weren't expecting. I expected to experience God in a way I never had before...me thinking:"Oh, wouldn't it be nice to see someone healed, speak in tongues, speak a Word over someone prompted by the Holy Spirit.." But no. Just something bigger and more supernatural. How about He lets me feel the spiritual battle going on in the spiritual realm? Oh ya. Definitely an experience I haven't done before. Thank you Father. And here I was feeling blah? Please!

A Taste of Mozambique

Don't forget to turn off the music at the bottom of the page so you can listen to the video! I will write about my adventures in Mozambique soon, I have been sick so I need to recoup first then I will write! Enjoy the video...

Great Expectations

I had another epiphany, or an 'ah-ha' moment again. I was thinking in bed last night about our up-coming trip (only 8 days left, really only 7 since today is nearly done, or might be by the time I finish writing). I was thinking about where I started on this journey and where God has lead me. Tamara (mission leader) had asked me earlier on what my expectations were for this trip. I boldly stated that I wanted to see God move in a supernatural, powerful way that there would be no doubt that it was God in action. Yup, I go right for the good stuff. No messing around, I want meat and potatoes. From the beginning I have felt that God is calling us for something great. There has been an anticipation in my soul...like it knows too and can't wait to feel the Master. I have chills right now...for what I don't know, but I'll take it! Ah, use me Lord for your will, let it be done Jesus!

But as I was pondering, God began to reveal another truth to me. I realized my expectations have already been met. I have felt God more strongly than I ever had. He has spoken to me, and I swear it felt at times He was holding me...in His arms like a father would rock his baby to sleep. He has moved in a powerful way that I have no doubt it was Him. I feel like God is saying...okay, and next expectation? I thought my expectation was really bold too. Now I'm thinking really? Really LauraLee? You ask that of a God who can move mountains? Who created the universe? Nothing is too bold or too big for Him. He really does delight in us! I have heard it before...but I really get it now. He loves us. No hear me..He LOVES us. He loves you. He adores you. There is no greater love. He died for you. Yup, you reading this. He wants you to know that and He wants you to know that nothing...NOTHING...is too big for Him. He is waiting for you to ask it of Him. Have you done it? Have you sincerely asked with full expectation of the outcome?

I admit praying with full expectation is a tough one for me too. I have prayed with expectation that God could do this, if He wants, but if He doesn't that's okay. You know? Like : "Lord please heal _____ , but let your will be done regardless of the outcome..." I didn't pray with the full expectation that so-and-so would be healed. Was there doubt? Sadly, maybe. Unbelief? So harsh to write, but yes, that would be unbelief. In Mark 9:22-24 a man (a father) comes to Jesus to ask for his son to be healed from a demon..."...But if You can do anything have compassion on us and help us." (23) Then Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' Everything is possible to the one who believes." (24) Immediately the father of the boy cried out, "I do believe! Help my unbelief." We need to cry out to God and ask Him to help our unbelief! I am snickering a little picturing this scenario. Not the fact that a father is desperate to help his demon-possessed child, but Jesus' reaction. " 'If You can?' ". I picture him looking at the father like "Really?...Really? After all I have said and done and still you think this one might stump me? Really?" I love it. So very patient. Do you think He ever got headaches during His ministry? You know those days where you just rub your forehead because it's been 'one of those days'?

I guess my whole point is that you don't need to wait for something extraordinary in your life before God will manifest Himself. You don't need to go on a mission trip to the other side of the world to find God present. You often hear of outstanding stories of supernatural works of God on mission trips. Is it because God is more present there...or are you really looking and expecting God to be there? Hmmm... Include Him in your life here and now. Expect Him to show Himself. He will if you are willing. Be open to the power of the Father. Praise you Father! I feel Him, do you feel Him? He's here and He's right beside you urging you to accept the invitation to participate with Him on an incredible journey. Include Him in your life.

Before I close, I want to say that if you are ever feeling dry, maybe feeling like the colour has drained a bit out of life. Go for a walk or a drive, put on some worship music, look at the clouds. Really look at them. The different colours, the depth of them, the texture of them. Jesus will be coming down from them one day. I often wonder what the clouds will look like that day. Will they be fluffy? Dark and foreboding?

 Next, look at the trees. Do you notice how their branches are raised and open to the sky like they are in constant worship and praise? Watch a sunset. Notice how the trees face it? How the clouds dance with different colours? Creation shouts with praise! He's waiting for you to notice Him. It's time to turn and look.

Giving new meaning to "Sneaky Little Devil"

I just finished another night of bible study. Boy, do I love those girls! I am so blessed to have them in my life. I have never come away from a night of bible study without thinking that God was in on it. Even if we don't talk about the set study, but like tonight, we talked about our lives and what's going on in them. Random? Oh, I don't think so. God doesn't do random. Every conversation is filled with meaning, nothing is too "ordinary" or "mundane". Life is in the ordinary. That is where we reside. And that is where God shows himself. He doesn't just appear in super extraordinary events. I think He loves it when we realize He's in the "mundane" events in our lives. He's with you when you're having a "mom melt-down". He's with you when your baby's sick. He's with you at every stage in your life. We only need to open up our eyes.

When we are going through the ordinary we must be aware that the choices we make in those times effect our future just as much, or even more so, than those events we know to be instrumental. I'm talking about letting the enemy get to you. Whether it be letting him bring down your mood on those days where it feels like a grey cloud is over your head, or whether it be listening to the lies that is spewed out of his mouth. Oh, and he's clever. He doesn't say anything that will get your guard up, you think it's your own thoughts. He knows where to strike, he knows your weak spots, where you're most vulnerable. He got to me recently and I told the girls about it tonight, and I thought I would tell you too.

As I have said previously, this has been the year that I confront my fear. The fear I have nurtured and fed all my life. I can only serve one master-I choose Jesus. I realized that I cannot serve Jesus to the extent he wants me to if I am chained with fear.

Sure, at first the battle seemed easily won. I faced fear in Disneyworld when I rode the 'scary' rides. It was hard, it took a lot of prayer and encouragement from my family but I did it- screaming-or rather grunting all the way. But afterward I felt really good, almost proud of myself. I made memories with my family that I otherwise wouldn't have had. Now although I felt great about facing my fear after I was off the rides, I was still terrified before and during the ride.

Now, I am almost sure that the rides themselves don't bring glory to God-but that perhaps me conquering my fear of them does bring God some glory. Some may shake their heads and disagree that conquering my fear of heights, speed, and lack of control is inconsequential to God. That God demands a person to risk more of themselves in order to please Him, but I don't think so.

Africa. I have really been 'put through the ringer' by the enemy on this. When I heard the call, the urge from God to go-I reacted, I signed up. It all seemed so easy to do-without much thought really. We had the money and the time, God called-yup. Check. All is good-lets go!

At first I was a little unsettled that there were only going to be 3 of us, but the excitement of the trip masked my fear. When I started to focus more on the number of us going I began to doubt. Doubt that maybe we weren't meant to go-I mean, really? Really Lord-us three? I mean Stephen and I are kind of new to this whole obeying God thing-I don't doubt Tamara's ability, after all she has been on mission trips before. I think I almost felt sorry for her to have us! Stephen and I grew up with Tamara in Wembley, but our lives took separate paths-only to be brought back together now. Coincidence? Hardly. But I was starting to think that maybe God had called the wrong people for this trip. Or maybe I misread the calling. Maybe it was my flesh that wanted to go on this mission and not God. Do you see the train of thoughts that the enemy has me chasing? Instead of this trip being part of God's plan, the enemy has me thinking it was all part of my selfish ambition, God did not want me to go and therefore He won't be with me or us on this trip. No! I rebuke you Satan! I will not receive these lies into my heart! My God loves me. My God will not forsake me whether I am at peace or whether I am in the depths of despair. My God is with me ALWAYS!

Thank you Father! Thank you for your faithfulness when I have so little.

This has been the biggest battle (that I am aware of) that I have faced in regards to the spiritual realm. Satan has been relentless in trying to bring every fear possible to the surface because he knows that fear is my weakness. I am going to write out his attacks that he whispers to me so I can rebuke them:

You are being selfish leaving your kids-what if you die?

You're not supposed to go.

It's your pride that volunteered for this, not a calling from God.

God is not with you.

Only 3 of you? Ha! What good will you do with only 3 of you?

Who do you think you are?

The bugs, spiders, snakes, and scorpions will get you!

You are not holy enough to go.

There is an order to these things, you are not in order!

No one wants you there.

What? You think you are holy now? Ha! I know your secrets!

What a waste to send you!

There are terrorists in Egypt, they will kill you!

The plane will crash and you will die!

In Jesus's name I rebuke you Satan! I rebuke every lie that you utter! I do not receive the thoughts you whisper to me! I ask Jesus to speak truth over me. Jesus, allow me to recognize Satan's attacks so that I may rebuke him. He has no power over me!

TRUTH

I am supposed to go.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."(Jer.29:11)

I am a daughter of the Most High.

Who is holy enough? We all fall short of the righteousness of God.

God called me.

I am being a faithful servant of Christ, it is my hope that my daughters do the same.

God is ALWAYS with me.

I may not know what we are going to do-but God knows.

If God chooses this time to take me home I will be with Him in a blink of an eye.

David defeated Goliath, not the army--but ONE boy!

I am not a waste of time-God is the ultimate recycler-He has made new what was once old in order to bring glory to Him

There is no hierarchy of obedience!

Bugs, spiders, snakes, and scorpions are all God's creation--they are not evil. I will not fear them.

God is so good! All this time I have been trying to fight these fears in the flesh--by doing: reading about conquering fear and strongholds, doing things that I am normally scared of. I was trying to control the thoughts of the enemy. I was trying to logically debate the questions in my mind. I was trying to prepare for the worst--researching scorpions and snakes to learn what to do in case of a bite or sting; getting a will; researching terrorism in Egypt--just a little nighttime reading! I was trying to defeat the fear but I was feeding it all along...playing right into the enemy's hands.Clever. I kept asking myself the same question--I know God doesn't want me to be in fear but HOW do I go about that? It finally broke me. And I asked God through the tears. And he answered me.

LauraLee trust me.

How do I do that?

Let go.

(crying)

You can't control everything. But I can. I AM.

(crying)

I will never forsake you. Never. EVER.

I don't know if I can be fearless.

You don't have to be. I AM. I will carry you.

Praise you Father!

This all happened a couple of weeks ago. I was reading Daniel 3 for my bible study and in the workbook the topic of martyrdom kept coming up. It spoke about John Hus, Hugh Latimer and Nicholas Ridley being burnt for their faith. Daniel chapter 3 speaks about Meshach, Abednego, and Shadrach in the fire. And I kept thinking: were they scared? How did they face death so bravely? Now I know they didn't do it of their own control, they gave it up and God took over. Through God's grace.

Lord, help me to remember this truth.

We have a wild ride ahead of us Lord. But like Meshach, Abednego and Shadrach...there will be a 4th person on this trip...Jesus.

Wake Up Call

I have been having that feeling again. It starts as a tightening in my stomach, then, it continues to spread to my chest...my heart beats faster and it almost feels like butterflies when I'm excited. I'm not talking about indigestion or an anxiety attack. I'm talking about an urging by the Holy Spirit. I feel it when I know God is telling me to say something to someone or to do something, basically when he wants me to obey Him. Am I alone in this? Maybe others feel called to do His will in other ways, who knows, but I finally have figured out what that deep call is...it's Him speaking to my soul.

What has been on my mind and heart lately is the grace of salvation. Something hasn't been sitting right with me lately. My eyes have been opened to, what I can only say, is a mass illusion of what salvation is. Yes, that is a real hard statement to make. Believe me, I have had many a conversations with God over this topic and I have searched the bible. I know that we are saved through repenting of our sins and accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior by saying the sinner's prayer. I have done so...many times. Now a flashback...

One of the first questions you are asked in a church setting or Christian event is...when did you come to know the Lord? I have to admit the question has always bothered me because I don't have "a day" or a powerful testimony of an instant of complete transformation that many have had. I have tried to pinpoint the day that the Lord came into my life, but I can't. I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but I did go to church with friends or other family every now and then. I can tell you that I remember praying to God when I was very little and feeling like I was receiving a big hug from Him. I remember walking into church and feeling like I was home. It wasn't the building, because I went to different churches of different denominations, it was Jesus. And as a teen I still prayed to Him almost every night, and I kept saying the sinner's prayer every time I went to church with a friend. I never felt that I was saved. It's not that I didn't believe Jesus wanted to save me, maybe I didn't feel worthy. Every time I said it I would think, "Was that Holy enough?..Should I kneel?...Did I just cancel out the last time I said the prayer?.." I really wanted to be saved. Then life carried on. I never thought I was a bad teenager, but I was far from innocent. Actually, as an adult with a teenager of my own, I now think I would never have let my daughter hang out with me. I smoked cigarettes at 14, drank alcohol with my parents at 15..life was a party and I was fully enjoying it. I gave myself away before marriage to a person I didn't even really know. I was so lost, but I thought, "I must be covered though, because I said the prayer." You see, deep down I knew there was more to this whole salvation thing, that is why I kept repeating it over and over. I knew it wasn't just the prayer, there had to be more. I feel there are many out there now who are experiencing the same thing. They think they are saved because maybe they heard a great sermon and gave themselves to Jesus by saying the prayer, or maybe they grew up in church and they know about Jesus but then leave after Sunday service and don't include Jesus in their lives at all. Well, there IS more...

First of all let me strongly affirm that no one can earn salvation, it is a gift, no one can enter Heaven through his deeds or his by his own strength. We all fall short of the righteousness of God. "For it is by grace alone that you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is a gift from God-not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). However, I believe we can receive the gift of God's grace in vain...like I did. I never understood the 'grace' part of salvation. I thought a person said the prayer and all was good..you were "right with the Lord" as is heard in many sermons. It is only through grace we are saved...God's grace is bestowed on us so that we have the desire and strength to obey Him. To obey means to do His will...which requires action. For "faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead" (James 2:17). I was reading  "A Heart Ablaze" by John Bevere and  he stated that "a professing believer who consistently disobeys God's Word has never truly received the grace of God, or he has received it in vain". I agree. I was that person. What made me different than an unbeliever? I said the prayer, yes, but I did nothing about it. Even as an adult I was still on the same path. Sure I went out to the bars, and yes, I liked to look good (I mean, c'mon, it's nice for you to still know you 'have it' by turning the opposite sex's head), but I went to church on Sunday (sometimes with bloodshot eyes from the night before..I mean, c'mon, going to church when you're hungover certainly means you're more pious than those who don't even go to church) and I was good person...I smiled, was polite, said my prayers at night and left big tips. What more can you ask for? Yup, no clue. I shake my head now, thanking God for His grace. What a patient and loving God we have. But all I can think is...what a waste! How much of my life was wasted on...nothing. I think what could have been if I would have received His grace and obeyed Him.

To believe is to obey. "We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus."(1 John 2:3-6). Do we wonder why so many outside of the church call Christians hypocrites? We proclaim we are Christians but we do not submit to God. What would have happened if when God told Abraham to leave his country, family and friends he responded, " I believe in you God, but now isn't a good time. Maybe some other time..." Or if he took Isaac and ran. But he didn't. He obeyed. "You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness', and he was called God's friend" (James 2:21-23).

Being God's friend requires an intimacy. This is a deep knowing, so much more than the superficial relationships we have today with most people. This is not a Facebook-type of friend. This requires work, this requires surrender. We are to surrender our lives to Him. That means He should encompass every part of our lives. Which means we are to obey when called. The alternative is scary. "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord.' will enter the kingdom of Heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in Heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly 'I never knew you. Away from me you evildoers!' "(Matthew 7:21-23). Not everyone who says "I am a Christian" will be granted entrance into Heaven, but only those who obey the will of God. Hard to swallow? It is definitely not as nice as the cookie-cutter image of salvation that a lot of people believe. Scripture backs it up. In Revelation 3:16 Jesus is saying to the church of Laodicea that they are lukewarm in their faith "So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth". I found this profound and very much applicable to us today. John Bevere explained it the best: "Lukewarm has too much hot to be cold and too much cold to be hot. It has enough heat to blend in undetected with the hot and enough cool to slip in unnoticed with the cold. Lukewarm people become whoever they are around. Around true followers of Jesus, they can blend in with them. They know the scriptures, sing the songs, and say the right statements. Around followers of the world, they might not drink or smoke, but they think and conduct their lives in a worldly manner, that is, selfishly. They obey God when their obedience is pleasant or in their best interests. But they are motivated by their owns desires." Because these lukewarm people are not true believers, Jesus cannot take them into Him...he will vomit them out. John Bevere continues to explain that we vomit what the body cannot assimilate. Even though the lukewarm people may look like the hot people on the outside, inside they are corrupt. Just as a bad hamburger may look the same as a good hamburger...once the bad meat is eaten our stomachs cannot assimilate the bad meat and we subsequently vomit. Jesus even said "I know your deeds that you are neither cold nor hot, I wish you were either one or the other!"(Rev. 3:15) Why would he want us to be cold if not hot? Because cold people can be reached because they don't know God and don't claim to know God. Lukewarm people think they know God and are therefore harder to reach. God calls us all for a reason, so that we may glorify Him. How do we glorify Him if we do nothing for him? "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient" (Ephesians 2:1-3). Think on that. Jesus saved you from the enemy, he has broken the chains you were bound with only for you to, what...turn from Him by being disobedient? You have just spit into His face. Is that being grateful? Is that making Jesus your Lord and Savior? The word 'Lord' means supreme in authority, master. We are to be servants who serve the Lord. Being consistently disobedient is not what we do to our Master. Ephesians 2:8-10 states "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do." He has a plan for us which requires action from us. Yes, God is beautiful, merciful, good, kind, righteous, slow to anger, patient and much more. But I think a lot of people forget He is also The Creator of Heaven and Earth, God Most High, Ancient of Days, Supreme Judge, Master and we need to have reverence for Him. I think at times we forget who we are dealing with. God does not owe us anything..He created us, He created everything!

I know our lives are busy with day-to-day struggles and anxieties. God knows it too. Why do you think He called us? He wants to make a difference in our lives, but in order for that difference to be made we need to do what he tells us to do, even when it seems silly or even crazy. He has a reason for what He asks of you even if you never find out what that reason was on this side of eternity. It matters. You matter. I know I have felt called to do something and I have thought.."Maybe someday I might do that", or "They have enough help, I'm not really needed," or "somebody else will surely volunteer who is more qualified at that..." How many lost opportunities for being a partner with God? I could have made a difference in someone's life or someone could have made a difference in my life. Sometimes when we're called to do something it can be to our benefit, not always to others. We pray to be blessed, we pray to feel the Lord's presence...we want to feel Him, see Him..we call out to Him...Then when He speaks to us..we shut Him out. I get it. In our culture we are used to getting what we want, when we want it, and how we want it. That is why he gives us grace, because without it He knows we are too weak.

In Revelation 3:1-5, Jesus is speaking to the church in Sardis. And like all scripture that is God-breathed it speaks to us today: "I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead.Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. Yet you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their clothes. They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels." In layman's terms: I know what you are doing! You profess you have Jesus in you, but you are wrong. Wake up to this reality and strengthen your faith before it's too late. You are not obeying God like you should be...remember what you have, don't waste it because you don't know when your life is over. There are some true Christians out there doing God's will and they will walk with Jesus. Those who turn from disobedience and overcomes the enemy will also walk with Jesus. Whoever overcomes He will enter Heaven. Jesus says He has not found their deeds complete in the sight of God. Being complete in God is by loving and obeying Him: "If anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him"(1 John 2:3-6). The last sentence is what startled me : "I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels" (Rev. 2:5). The book of Life is the book that contains a record of all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and who will receive eternal life. So this one statement from Jesus means that he can and will erase your name from Heaven's roster if you consistently refuse to do His will. Wow. I missed that part when I first said the sinner's prayer. He means business. I know I feel disciplined. But then in Revelation 3:19 Jesus says "Those who I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent." This is a wake up call kids. It's not meant to make you depressed or angry. It's meant to bring you closer to Jesus. He wants to walk with us, but we keep shoving him away. If we keep shoving him to the side how long will it take for him to say "Okay, so you think you know what you're doing without my help..just try it". And then our faith fades until we are no different than those who never had him...oh ya, except that we still think we have him.

Let me conclude on a high note. If you love Jesus and strive to be as Christ-like as you can, he knows this. I'm not saying that because you didn't volunteer to be an usher on Sunday that God has had it with you and you're finished. No, he knows our weaknesses, as well as our strengths.If we start thinking like that then we are becoming legalistic and trying to earn our way into heaven, and we know that is not possible. If we are truly for God than nothing can be against us. "For I am convinced that neither angels or demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

What do you think? Let me know. I want to be one of the hot people..on fire for Jesus.There, I have said what I felt God has been wanting me to say...the burning in the chest is gone and I am content.

When Life Kicks You in the Gut

Today life kicked me in the gut. I found out that a person, who I consider a friend, is sick with cancer. This person has such a beautiful spirit, basically, she doesn't deserve to have this disease (not like anyone does though).  It makes a person ask why? Why God? Why her? When she has been through so much in her life only to arrive..here. It brings tears to my eyes. People ask me, how can God do something like this if He loves us? After all, I'm the Christian girl. I feel I should have an explaination. A verse or two that would explain it all. That would wipe away all the tears, clear everyone's unanswered questions. But alas, I do not. All I can say is that God is love. God is hope. Perhaps it's times like these that force even those who don't normally seek His face to come closer, if only to raise an angry fist. God does not get his "jollies" by striking young people with cancer. You have the wrong guy, that guy lives down south.

I don't know why this has happened, nor why bad things happen to good people. I know that there is a plan beyond our immediate sights, that God is soveriegn. That God has a plan and purpose for this world, for his people. Sometimes we go through trials to establish our faith and belief in Him and His power. Sometimes trials happen that strengthen faith. A trial that makes a person go through the trenches with God, but come out on the otherside a changed person. And sometimes it's just that person's time to meet Him. Now, the last statement doesn't automatically calm or ease the pain and grief for the person's family as swiftly as total deliverance from the disease. But if you are a Christian you have to know that this life is not all there is, what comes next is the real deal. It's called hope. We have a hope that our prayers will be anwered, that all will be well. But we also have the hope in knowing that we have an eternal inheritance with Jesus after this life.

Another good friend has recently been in the trenches...for awhile. She has faith. She believes. I can almost see her yelling at the sky "Alright already, I have faith, what more do you want?!" She loves the Lord fiercely. And He knows it. Sometimes I picture God with a shield in front of us as satan throws his best punches...what we felt was nothing to what we could have felt if God wasn't there. She says she knows God is telling her to have faith through all this. She has asked  what that really means: "have faith". Should she just do nothing to guard or protect herself or her belongings? No, I'm thinking that to do nothing would be silly. I feel God is refining her...polishing her faith of silver into faith of gold. Because to have faith before or after trials is commendable, but to have faith in the midst of the storm is worship!

We all have a history. That history gave rise to who we are today, good or bad. I believe how we face our trials in life speaks to how we live life now..do we celebrate our lives now, or do we mourn them? Does your life give glory to God? Because I'm sorry to say, that that is what life is about. It's when we try to glorify ourselves that we become empty and lost. What is a good life? To be loved, to have love, to give love.That is what God has planned for us. Many of us have been abused...physically, emotionally, sexually. And that is NEVER part of God's plan..you hear me? NEVER! God IS love. In a perfect world (which one day there will be) we would never encounter such sin, but sin exists in this world and it pollutes people and their actions. How do you deal with it? Do you hate? Do you hate God? Do you hold a grudge? Have you guarded your heart so no one will ever get that close to you again? Stop. Because if you continue satan has won. Everytime you hate, everytime you withdraw farther from your Father, satan laughs and rejoices. Think of that. But if you bring that pain, that deep ache to the Lord, he will heal you and turn satan's victory into a loss. I'm not saying the healing will be instantaneous (or maybe it will), but when you let the light in, the darkness flees. And I'm not saying that the healing won't hurt, because it will. But in order to get the poison out, the wound must be debrided and cleaned so it won't fester.

 I have learned many things through my own trials. But the most important thing is that I know that God was with me. That He never stopped loving me. Often times our worst oppression, our greatest affliction is our finest chance to show the most light to others. How many people who have been sick or have had a loved one who was sick become a nurse or a doctor? How many people who have recovered from addictions in the past become addiction counsellors? It's all up to how you face your demons...do you fight them or join them?Praise You in This Storm Video

New Beginnings

How does one start a blog? Am I really a blogger? I am so unhip and technologically unsound that the thought is quite humorous. My daughter just asked what I was doing and when I said I was starting a blog, she laughed. You never know maybe I have something to say after all.

Why am I starting a blog? Hmmmm...good question. I think I have somethings to say about some things. I might want to journal my life...the new trips I'm going on..and why I'm going on them. Maybe I want to connect with like-minded people about things I hold to be important like God and health and how the two connect.

I've decided to be bold in my beliefs. I have things to say about the way the world is, about the culture in which we live. Sometimes I want to scream "Don't you people get it? Don't you see?" So maybe this is my chance to do that. Even if nobody reads this it can be very therapeutic to just write and vent and ponder. A person gets tired, even exhausted trying to fit in, trying to not offend others. Trying to be everyone's friend and no ones enemy. Exhausting being the nice one. Not that I'm not nice, but I want more than that. I want to be known as a woman after God's heart. I want to be bold in my faith. I want insecurity and fear to melt away. I want God to make my life a great story. Not a life that fades into the background, but a life that proclaims his glory! I want to shed the old and wear the transforming new. I want God to open my eyes so that I will see what he sees...unplug my ears so that I may hear what he hears. I have lived my life too long with blinders on...becoming like a zombie..following the crowd. Looking a certain way, acting a certain way just to become like everyone else. I know with God I am an individual, with passions, with gifts , with a purpose for this life. I was placed here and now for such a time as this. Oh God make it so!

I'm learning to be obedient to God. I have lived a life nurturing fear. I'm not phobic, well not diagnosed at least! I have always been the safe, careful one. I'm the one that never drives too fast, does not do many "outdoorsy" activities like hiking or ATVing (what if a bear should strike or the quad roles?), does not do heights, rollercoasters or waterskiing. My youngest daughter is 11 and I still ask her to chew properly lest she choke when I'm not watching! Yes, it has made for alot of jokes... and the "Oh mother.." looks, you know the ones. But this year I have come to the conclusion..okay God has finally broken through the hard shell of my brain ...that enough is enough. Fear is robbing me of my life, my calling. I resolved to face my fears a step at a time.

Disneyworld. Oh the rides. You know when they take a snapshot of everyone as they fall the 50 feet, or as the rollercoaster rockets off at 65 miles an hour? Ya, I'm the woman in that snapshot that has the look of death upon her face..I can't say the look of death in her eyes because I am unable to open my eyes for the fear of facing the drop head on! Anyways, story be told, I did it. I rode the rides..Expedition Everest, Rockin' Rollercoaster, Hollywood Tower of Terror, Splash Mountain. And I have the pictures to prove it. Point being, I did it. It doesn't mean that I am any less scared of rides. I'm still terrified, but man, did I have fun. I made some memories with my family on that trip. We had a blast! I didn't die. I didn't get maimed in a horrible rollercoater accident. I didn't even throw up. I did alot of praying and alot of grunting (I realized that when I am that scared I can't even manage to get out a scream..the best I can do is grunt while tucking my face into my chin).

The next big step is going on a mission's trip to Mozambique, then touring Egypt for 5 days after that. Nothing like doing it big! Believe me, it wasn't my idea. God seems to think that my husband (Stephen) and I should go. Not that a mission hasn't come across my mind before. You know, sitting in church when the mission team has just come back from somewhere or when a speaker comes in for "Mission's week". I think, " Oh that would be cool to do one day". (It's always "one day" or "some day", never now). You see it's Stephen and my 15th wedding anniversary this July and we had been budgeting since last November to save to go to the United Kingdom. I have always wanted to go since I was a teenager, see England and Scotland..the countryside, all the history. But God had different plans. You see, I was scared about travelling to England..England of all places! I'm not a fan of flying to start with, and what about the driving, they drive on the wrong side of the road (talk about waiting for an accident to happen!) I had planned out every detail of this trip..flights, hotels, driving routes, driving times, activities, castles to see, horses to ride...you get the idea? (Did I mention I have a type-A personality?) Then one Sunday God spoke to my husband and put the calling in his heart. I happened to be at work that Sunday, but he casually told me about the mission trip later that night. He thought it would be interesting to go. I thought so too (thinking that that was where it would end). Then I started to get what could only be explained as an "urging" to go. Stephen only had 2 weeks left of vacation for the year, so it was the U.K or Mozambique. We decided to go to Mozambique. I mean c'mon, how could this not be a God thing? That we would have enough money to go and that Stephen and I both would have the time off to go?

I have been going back and forth with my fears about this trip. I was scared of travelling to England? Now we were going to a third world country.Fear of flying? Haha. Try 31 hours instead of 8.5!We now were going to a country where there are scorpions and snakes, and spiders (not daddy-long legs either). The country is stable, the civil war ended in 1992. But they do drive on the wrong side of the road! I think I was most scared of the unknown. These people have it rough. Death is daily from things we take for granted, like a broken hip. I'm a nurse and so I hope I can help in some way. But I'm a Labour and Delivery nurse so I am much more comfortable delivering a baby than .....than what? That's the point, what can I do to help? I'm thinking the point is that it's not going to be about what I can do to physically help someone. I think God wants me to let go of the reigns a bit, and just have faith in Him. If I can hold someone's hand or pray over someone (even if they don't speak my language) it will be enough for me. Today I was listening to Beth Moore teach about pressing back fear. And some of the words she spoke spoke directly to my soul. "Plant your feet on that battlefield, hold your face up until my glory is shining on it and I'm going to show you a victory to the likes of which you have never seen. God wants to take you where you have not been before." Wow. Now that is revelation! My battlefield is fear..I need to take that step, to go where he sends me and if I do I will be blessed beyond my imagination. God wants to take me where I haven't been before..Yes, I have never been to Africa before, but I think he wants to take every one of us to a deeper level, a deeper undertstanding of Him. I believe this trip is going to be life-altering. I believe that we are going to be transformed by this experience. And you know what..I can't wait!