I was introduced to death as a young child. My dad died when I was a little over 3 years old. Now, you might think that I was too young to even understand the concept of death. Maybe you think I was too young to even remember my dad. Was too young to feel the bond, the power of relationship with him. But I remember, blessedly. He was 50 when I was born. And yet, I remember him getting on his hands and knees after he came home from work so I could ride the bucking bronco. You see, he was a cowboy...and I was daddy's cowgirl. I remember riding his leg like a pony as he sat on the couch...I could barely do that with my girls at 22! And I remember sleeping between him and mom...when I was lucky. I remember that I would nestle into his chest as he was lying on his side, his arms around me. I remember the tan line of his shirts...farmer's tan...how his face and neck were red...and the stark difference of the white of his chest. And I felt so loved and protected. Like nothing could come between us. My dad, my hero. All that changed one cold January morning. Death stole my dad.
To tell you the truth, I don't remember anything about the day after. Life went on. Did I mourn? I can't remember. I really think that is a gift from God. He allowed me to remember my dad in life, but sheltered me from the pain that comes after. I do remember when I was about 5 or 6, lying in my bed, scared about dying, about death. So it must have affected me subconsciously. And when I was around 8 and my mom and step-dad were breaking up, I remember praying to God, telling him how scared I was...asking why everyone always has to leave. The really powerful part is that I never grew up in a Christian home. I know I went to church a couple of times with my sister and her family (my dad's grown daughter from a previous marriage). I remember when I had gone to church it felt just like it did when my dad used to hold me at night...protected, loved. I remember when I was scared I felt like God was speaking to my heart saying that he was my Father and that he would never leave me. Thank you Father!
Unfortunately that would only be the first of many deaths. The next one would be the death of a close friend at 14 years old. He took his own life. I still remember that night. Everything was so "normal" the moment before. Then the phone rang. It was one of my friends on the line. And somewhere between sobbing and screaming she told me that he was dead. What?? My heart flipped. I could hear my other friends in the background crying. "You guys are joking, it isn't funny." They weren't joking. I immediately ran into my living room, he lived across the back alley from me and I could see his kitchen window. It looked so calm, so normal. The light was on. Wouldn't there be more...chaos?? Surely nature itself would be crying out? How could everything still be the same...knowing he wasn't in the world anymore? I phoned other friends...hoping, praying that it was all a big misunderstanding. No.No.No. My soul cried out. My heart broke in two. It was so painful. I couldn't breathe. Every moment that ticked by was a moment without him. I cried myself to sleep that night and when I woke up I was so sure it had all been a dream. It wasn't. He was such a happy guy, always smiling that huge smile of his. He had so many friends, had such a loving family. Why? That became a popular word. "Why did you do this"? So painful. Seemed so senseless. Then a week after another suicide by a boy in our town. Our school became a house of mourning. Grief counsellors were sent. Questions ran rampant. What was going on in this small town? Was there a cult? News cameras captured the grieving. One question that was asked was where was he now? Was he in Heaven? Was he in Hell? Was he just the cold body now in the ground?
We were well acquainted with loss in our small community. It seemed like every year we had at least one young person die that we knew. Some died from drinking and driving, some died from leukemia, some died in tragic car accidents. So many lost. It became "normal". Who was going to die this year? Did we change our destructive ways? Nope. Did we continue to drink and drive. Yup. We were all so stupid. The thing was is we didn't think it would happen to us. How else do you get back home from a party in the bush? There are no cabs. To be a DD meant you were not going to have any fun at all. Call a parent? Are you kidding? That would put you in the "nerd" category...besides, sometimes there wasn't just alcohol at the party...we wouldn't want to get anyone else in trouble. So stupid. Looking back now I can see that we weren't bad kids, we just didn't know any other way. Oh yes, we were told not to drink and drive. We were told smoking was harmful to our health. We were told not to do drugs. We were told to not have sex...okay...no we weren't, we were told to have "safe" sex. All while we saw our parents drinking, smoking...and some of our parents doing drugs. It was very normal for me to have a smoke with my mom at the breakfast table at age 14. It was very
normal for us to drink with our parents...you know the old saying..."If you're going to drink...I would rather you do it with me in our home..." I'm shaking my head right now. Wow. Was there ever a veil in front of our eyes. I remember many times seeing my step dad have a couple of ryes at his shop with friends and then get in the vehicle and drive home. Normal. Now I'm not saying everyone I hung around with, and not everyone in that community were the same. But I would say the majority was. And I'm not placing all the blame on the parents either. I'm just stating the facts. It was like we were playing a game of Russian Roulette...we accepted that it was bound to happen...but to whom? We knew death...but we chose not to acknowledge what happens to a person after they die.
When I think of life back then, it feels like a hundred years ago. It's like I'm looking at someone else. It seems so bizarre...all the things we did. That definitely is not the norm to me anymore. I often tell people of my past, where I came from, what I did. But, it isn't painful because it reminds me of what Jesus has done in my life. Talk about making a new wineskin! And I love it when people cannot believe that that was who I was. Even if they aren't believers, they can't deny the extreme change in me. Especially those who only know me as a Christian...it makes me laugh when I tell them my testimony! The looks of shock never grow old. I don't tell my testimony for the shock value alone...I tell it because when you give your life to Jesus, when you surrender all...how powerful it is when he takes your old self and transforms you into something new! Hallelujah! Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17).
We recently experienced a tragic event that has affected so many young people, as well as those of every age. There was an accident involving 5 teenagers...two 16 year olds and three 15 year olds. All but one 15 year old died. Another young man, 21 years old, hit the teens' car with his truck as they were leaving a party. The 21 year old had been drinking. As far as I know, or heard from reports, the driver of the teens' car hadn't been drinking. The outpouring of love and support from the community to the victim's families has been awe-inspiring. The anger and outrage at the 21 year old is expected. However, people have to learn to look at themselves truthfully as well. How many times have they had a couple of beer and drove home? How many have quickly checked their phone, received a text, or even texted while driving? I'm thinking the majority. I'm not trying to justify the behaviour, or in any way say it is acceptable...I'm just trying to say that before we judge another, we should look in the mirror first. I'm pretty sure that the young man didn't say to himself that night..."well, I think I'm going to go out and kill 4 boys tonight." It was horrible and tragic...but we need to forgive. I know if I was in that man's place I would beg for forgiveness. If I were his mother I would want his community to forgive him. He will pay for his bad choice for the rest of his life...in prison, and in his thoughts and memories. One thing I'm pretty convinced of is that we tend to punish ourselves harsher than anyone else can. I pray LORD that you not only comfort the families of the teen boys, but that you comfort the man and his family as well. I pray Father that you speak into their hearts, that they come to know you, whether for the first time or if they have known you all their lives. I pray that they all receive your love and forgiveness. I pray that this young man feels your love for him. We all have sinned, and you love us still...so Lord, we know that you love this man. Help him to feel your love, help him to feel your forgiveness. Lord, you told the story about the master forgiving the servant's great debt, and how that same servant would not forgive a smaller debt of a peer. Lord, I pray that we all feel the enormity of your love for us, that you forgave all our sins, every single nasty one of them. The enormity of our sins...all of them. But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). And as you forgave us Lord, that we need to forgive others. It says in the Lord's prayer to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive other's trespasses against us. Therefore, Lord if we do not forgive others than you will not forgive ours, Lord. Please Lord, speak into the people's hearts, their souls, their minds Lord. Let them get this. Amen.
My oldest daughter is 15. She knew one of the boys, went to school with him. She kept asking though sobs and tears.."why am I crying so hard, I hardly knew him..." Because dear child, you are human. Looking at the whole thing one can't help but feel the sadness, the possibilities evaporate. They were 15 and 16. Just babies in life. Parents can't help but imagine if it had been their children involved...kids think about the loss of a future...school, college, first loves, marriage...lives gone, wasted. My daughter wrote a letter to God. In it, she asks God why? If You are all-knowing , all-powerful...why...how could you do this? She says how angry she is with God, how it doesn't make sense. Why does a loving God take people away so young? Did they do something wrong? Why them? Why now? Are they with you in heaven? If they didn't believe in you, where are they now? Would you send a teenager to hell? Tough questions. Real questions. So very proud of her. I am so happy that she would write a letter to God, even if it was to yell at him. I truly believe that God is okay with that. He wants us to ask, he wants us to seek.
The night I found the letter on the kitchen counter I read it and was up all night. Scriptures kept coming to my mind answering the same questions she was asking. I knew God wanted me to speak to her, and the best way I can get it all out is writing...hence, this post. It's a tough subject. The old heaven and hell question is never an easy one to discuss, especially when speaking about kids. So here it goes...
The first thing that comes to my mind is that I want to apologize and say that I don't mean to offend anyone. But then God steps in. He reminds me that I have nothing to apologize for. Why would someone apologize because of the truth? The truth is simply that, the truth. It is not my fault that somebody may not believe the truth, it still doesn't negate the fact that it is the truth. The truth is the truth whether I choose to believe it or not. I can choose to believe that there is no gravity on earth, but if I jump off my roof I will still fall. Just because I don't believe there is gravity, doesn't mean that it's the truth. Nowadays, the world would have us tolerate anyone, anything, any religion, anybody's 'personal truth'. We don't want to offend anyone. We must be politically correct in all things. We say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas...because, doing so may offend those who don't believe in Christ...or my personal truth...so isn't that in fact...an offense against me? My goodness! Really people. Open your eyes. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. (2 Timothy 4:3-4). Jesus did not come and politely ask people to turn aside from evil, and if they didn't, say...okay, nevermind, didn't mean to offend you Pharisees! Absolutely not! He came to offend! He came to break the yokes, to break our chains of sin by offering us a way out, a way to be forgiven, to have eternal life. He died for us. He stepped on toes all right! He wasn't scared to speak the truth. He didn't come to win a popularity contest, He came to save lives. Thank you Jesus! Praise you Father! Shake us up Lord! Offend us Lord so that we ask questions...so that we wake from our sleep!
God is all-powerful, all-knowing, sovereign. That means He knows everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. He is outside of time. He knows us all. He knows who we are now, who we were, and who we will become. He knows the circumstances that you were born into...no one is a mistake: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalms 139:13-16). Yes, God loves us so much he lets us choose to love him or not. He allows us to make choices, some choices are bad, some are good according to God. However, do not fool yourselves in believing that God is surprised or shocked by our choices. Our free will does not trump his sovereign will. If our choices trumped God's will then he wouldn't be all-knowing, all-powerful. Because that would mean that we can control our lives, control God. Yes, we have free will, but he knows the choice we will make before we even make it. He wants that we should choose his will so that we may have abundant life: The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).
So yes, God knew those boys were going to die that night. He knew that the young man would have some drinks, he knew he would get in his truck and he knew the outcome. More importantly, he knows the ultimate outcome from this one event. We can't see the full effect of how this event will touch people, change people. Our choices have a ripple effect. God has a clear view of the effects. I don't know the ultimate outcome. But I can tell you what I have witnessed in my circle of family and friends: parents hugged their kids a little tighter, the community came together in love, people realized how life can change in a moment, people who normally don't look to God shook their fists at him. And I can imagine that from this people may start to question life after death, maybe even looked into it...went to church, looked in their bible. And I pray that many people gave their lives to Jesus from this. I pray that instead of asking what would happen if I died or if my teen died, there wouldn't be any question to where they might go cause they would KNOW. They would know that..."God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16). Before time began God knew he would sacrifice his own Son so that we wouldn't have to know that pain of true death. He did that so that when times such as this happens we would have confidence and a hope that our loved ones will be in Heaven with him. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (Romans 8:28-30). My oldest daughter once asked me "mom, if my friend (who isn't a believer) and I fell into a lake and we were drowning and you could only save one of us...who would you save?" I answered, "you, of course". Her answer: "But mom, my friend can't die! She needs time to get to know Jesus." Wow, was I abashed. You see, my daughter, you already get it. You just have to look at the bigger picture. What is the price of one's eternal soul? Like I said, I don' know what God's purpose is in this situation. But I have gotten to know him and his ways a little. Probably just scraped the surface. And I know that my God is mighty to save. I know that : He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9).
Often times we need an awakening. A trial, a suffering, a tragedy to occur that makes us stop and think. This culture is all about hurrying around trying to find contentment and peace in things of this world. When we have it easy, when we are prosperous we tend to think it was accomplished all though our own strength. Who needs God when you have everything? Sometimes the times in our lives when we suffer are those times when we are the closest to God. Those are the times when we turn our heads and seek him and find him. It is through God's great mercy that he awakens the awareness of mortality in us. We are all going to die a physical death. That was the consequence of Eve and Adam's choice in the garden. But it is our choice whether we want to suffer the second death that comes after. Do you want to go to heaven or hell? Why is that such a hard question?? Times such as this can draw us to God's calling.
I have no idea if the boys who passed away knew Jesus as their saviour. I desperately hope they did. No one knows what's in another's heart except God. God knows, that is what matters. I don't come to speak judgement on the boys, I am well aware of the hope of eternal life. I choose to believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life...that no one comes to the Father except through him (John 14:6). I choose to believe that even though I don't know if my dad was saved. I choose to believe that even if I don't know if my friends were saved. Because, it is the truth. I can't warp the truth to fit for my benefit. For my peace of mind. I know it angers a lot of people. How can God send good people to hell? That's just it though, he didn't...they chose it by denying his Son. Wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I believed differently?
He loves us so much. He knows what it feels like to lose someone. Of course, even if the person who died was saved we still mourn for him. But we have a hope, an expectation, a promise "that if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead. you will be saved" (Romans 10:9). It is such a comfort that I know in good times and bad times God is sovereign. He reigns. He loves us. There is a plan and a purpose for everything. Everything. Thank you Father! The world would have us believe that things happen by accident...no purpose...life exists because of a big bang. No hope. Thank you Father for lovingly creating us and knowing each and every heart.
Psalms 42:1-11
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my saviour and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon--from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my rock, "Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, My Saviour and my God.
We need to learn to praise God in the good times and the bad. I know it is hard, and at times like these it is easy to just see the pain, feel the devastation of it all. The enemy seeks to steal our hope, destroy our faith, kill our purpose in Jesus. Don't let him. In the midst of the sorrow turn to God. Pray for comfort, pray for peace, seek him...he will be there. Praising God in the midst of suffering doesn't mean you have to start singing worship songs. It means you surrender in knowing that God knows the best for us. It means you want God's will to be done. Praising God in the midst of suffering is the highest form of worship. And he will comfort you. Praise be to the God and Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows ( 2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. -Jesus (John 14:27)
