Drama Queen

I waited for you today, but you didn't show...no.
I needed you today, so where did you go?
You told me to call, said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you...are you still there?
I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know...
You're here and I'm never alone.
And though I can not see you and I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance you've placed in my life
We cannot separate cause you're part of me and though you're invisible I'll trust the unseen.
I cried out to no reply and I can't feel you by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know...
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate, you're part of me
And though you're invisible I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know...
You're here and I'm never alone.


Love that song. Funny thing is that I played that song over and over before going to Mozambique. I just loved their voices, it's a powerful song. But I remember thinking how sad it would be to not feel God close to you and how lucky I was that I had never had that experience before. Funny how that works. Never has that song been more of a personal lamentation than since I have returned. Yup, I am still working my way out of this pit. As I spoke of in my last blog, I have felt that He has been distant from me. And I don't know why.

Since coming home I felt blah. It is getting better, but it is still there. I'm not sure how well you and I know each other, but suffice it to say that I'm usually quite chipper. I'm known for my smile. I love smiling. Lately it's been hard to smile at times. One day I refused to speak to my whole family because they chose to go to Fatburger for lunch after church instead of somewhere that served soup and sandwiches. Yes, you read that right. Isn't that pathetic? But at the time I was right miffed! I even broke down and cried in the bathroom, lest someone see me. I was so angry, my thoughts began to point out every misfortune I could think of : not world poverty, the hungry or injustices..nope..I mean the really big misfortunes.."doesn't anybody know how to change a toilet paper roll?"..."there's crumbs everywhere on the floor!"..."who keeps drinking all my pop!!!"...such travesty! I'm snickering now, but man, was I mad! And then when I am less angry, I am just...blah.

I spoke to Tamara the other night thinking this is some weird "missionary" thing, like reverse culture shock. But I don't think it is a culture shock issue. After talking with her we realized that we both have been feeling the same blahness. We discovered that we both felt that, while loving Mozambique, we almost felt like we cheated? Let me explain... When one goes on a mission, or rather, is called to go on a mission trip basic fears are there...the unknown mostly. Will I have to eat weird meat? Will I be able to bathe? Where do we go to the bathroom? Will I have to kill my supper...or will my supper kill me? You get the idea. There's sacrifice involved...whether it be a couple of pounds...comfort...control...or even your life. Even those who haven't been called to go seem to empathize with those called. There's a lot of back patting, and "good for you"s, and the look of  "Thank God it was you and not me called.." You can imagine then after all this anticipation (mind you, not good anticipation), we felt like we cheated the system. We were treated so well! We had our own cottage to stay in for goodness sake! We ate very well, we even had Lay's chips, Mars bars and diet coke! Because we were there for only a short time and there were so few of us, we were toured around and shown all the blessings there. Lynn and Dwight became our friends, they even took us to Gorongosa Park! I'm not complaining, it was fantastic. And I never thought too much of the stark contrast between what was expected as a missionary and the reality we came to know. Because what we saw was infused with hope. I expected some dreary World Vision commercial, with starving children that had swollen abdomens that were too weak to swat the flies away from their eyes. What I saw was hope, love, and the amazing work of the mission...all imparted because of God.

As Tamara and I were talking she said something profound: "We saw poverty wrapped in hope". I told her how I felt the hopelessness in Cairo, yet it was an industrialized city of 22 million people, where Mozambique was a third world country and all I felt was hope. Mozambique is a shining example of what happens when you add God to the equation. Yes, there is still suffering and poverty and need, but there is hope. God's light shining on the darkness. Thank you Father!

 So you can imagine when we came back and people asked "How was it?"(spoken with a touch of sensitivity, because you know, we suffered...) and I smile and say it was great, they look at me with a tilt of their heads and say "oh, really?" I then say, "no, it was really cool..really neat.." Immediatly after saying this I'm thinking that I'm such a moron for saying a mission trip was neat and cool. Really LauraLee? Really? Neat? Cool? Mission trips are anything but neat and cool...they are profound, life-changing (that was tossed around a lot), and the "No one comes back the same person" thought. Yup..and I said it was neat. Wonderful. You see the thing was is that it was cool, and fun, and we laughed, and the only tears I shed were from seeing God in the eyes of people singing. As weird as it sounds, I was expecting to see someone die. Die from something easily treated here in Canada. I was expecting to hold someone's hand as they suffered. I was expecting to see loss..and hopelessness. Isn't that a pre-requisite for a mission trip? But instead God blessed us with an awesome insight to his work there. And now you are wondering why I wouldn't want that right? I do. I am very thankful that we were able to see what we did. I just think that is part of the reason why I am feeling the way I am. I don't feel like I went on a mission trip. I feel like I went to Mozambique on a trip. I feel like I have failed others expectations of me as a missionary, even as short as it was.

I am human. I like a good story. This chapter was infused with drama. Going to go to England...nope. God came calling. Go to Mozambique He said. Let Me work on those fears of yours. Rely on Me, not yourself. I will carry you. I never have felt God as closely as when I did in these times. I am yours Lord. Take me where you want me to go. I surrender. Thank you Father! Anticipation builds. Oh something is coming. I can feel it in my marrow! Mozambique. Beautiful. I can see God everywhere. Hello? God? Where did you go? Silence. Egypt. Fear.Anxiety. You do not belong here. You are not wanted here. Hopelessness. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed and yet I never have felt less close to God. Silence. Lord you are with me, I know your promises. And home. And...hello? God? Blah. Searching. Praying. Blah. I'm going to serve You even if I don't feel you.

Then after we get home, we receive horrible news from Mozambique: a woman who is very sick walks to the mission farm, only to die in hospital soon after...another woman who was also sick survives thanks to the quick response of the mission...pictures of snakes..lots of bugs...and sadly, the last news we received was that a grandchild of one of the pastors there was hit by a vehicle and killed. Devastation. There still is sadness and tragedy. It was as if we were shielded from it for that time. Why? I don't know. Maybe that wasn't what God wanted us to come away with, maybe this message is what God wanted me to come back with. He wanted me to see and feel the hope...of Him. Tangible, real, visual, observable hope. Maybe He wants me to tell people about it, He knows I like to talk. Yup. Got it. Thank you Father! You knew I would get it eventually. I guess I feel like the story was a little anti-climatic. I like drama. I was thinking there was going to be something huge happen. And maybe something huge is happening, only it's unseen. Be patient with me Father :)