Expect the Unexpected

So at last I sit trying to write in my blog. I know it has taken me quite awhile. When we came home from Africa, I wanted to spend time with my family (of course), then I had to work, then I got sick with a 3 week cold..not fun. But to tell you the truth...that has never stopped me before..so what's up? Good question. It has had me puzzled too. And I still don't really understand, so I thought maybe I should write and maybe God will disclose it to me.

Where do I start? The beginning seems the best place :)

I have come to the realization that I do not care for flying. It's nothing that anyone did..the plane was nice, the flight attendants were pleasant enough, and 3 or 4 hours in I was fine. I distracted myself by watching movies and listening to music. Half way to England, after about 4.5 hours of flying, I wanted to leave the aircraft. It felt as though the ligaments holding my kneecaps were going to rip in two. Slightly uncomfortable. That and the fact that panic was starting to set in..."I am flying 35000 feet in the air"..."What really holds this plane together?"..."what is with all the bumps..there are no potholes up here.." "We are flying over the ocean, no chance of emergency landing..." Let's just say I was talking to Jesus a lot. Then, about the time when I was calmed and was drifting off into a nice slumber..they served supper..."Umm..it's like 1:30 in the morning?" But, I dug in. What can I say? I love food. I didn't love the subsequent heartburn...back to a sleepless state. Great. This scenario played out on the way to England (9.5 hour flight), on the way to South Africa (11.5 hour flight), and back. But at last we arrived in Mozambique..2 days later! We were sooo tired, but equally excited.

Mozambique. I loved Mozambique. But I especially loved the people. Right from the start it took me by surprise. Going in we never really knew what to expect. All I can say is what preconceived thoughts I had about the place, the people, and even the experience did not come close to the reality. The first thing that shocked me was when we saw mud huts with grass roofs dotted along the landscape. I never thought it would look like that. It was beautiful in its simplicity. But it goes way deeper than that. I suppose I thought the people would look like those on the World Vision commercials...all malnourished, flies feeding off of their lips and eyes, children too weak to play...basically I though there would be a sense of hopelessness and sadness. All I saw was hope. No, that is wrong...I felt the hope. It was a feeling that I cannot explain. Yes, there is sadness. There is a need for education about health care. When people come too late to the health clinics and die from something that could have possibly been treated if they had come earlier. The hospitals run out of necessary supplies to care for patients, like needles. Children have to stay away from their homes if they want to continue with their education passed grade 6. And the places they stay have to be sprayed for ants. And there is more. There are so many challenges to overcome with the people's superstitions, with government agencies, with the utter lack of resources to build and work with. But ...wow. What a place.

I had thought going in that Lynn and Dwight must be pretty nice people in order to do what they do, after all, they're missionaries and Christians. But no. Once again my expectations were blown away. They are not just nice. They are the most welcoming people I have ever met. I felt at home from the first day. Yes, they are missionaries, and Christians. But, they are so normal..one of us. It sounds funny, but I always thought a person must be really holy to be a missionary. What is holy to me you ask? Well, I thought that they would be nice..but proper..no goofing around. Very spiritual and no-nonsense. My idea of holy has changed. They represent my new standard of what it is to be holy..to be a missionary. I think it must be a requirement to know how to laugh if one becomes a missionary. Because we laughed...a lot. I love sarcasm. I thought we would have to reign in our sarcastic ways, try to be more serious, more pious. I was relieved when Dwight started teasing me about something I did or said. "He's one of us?" Lynn and Dwight had invited us to supper on more than one occasion. And around the supper table we all learned so much about each other. Guess what? They are just like us. They once had struggles, doubts about God's calling. But they chose to follow where God called them.

When God called them to go to Mozambique, it was just after the war had ended. They had 2 small children. When they arrived in Maputo they said it looked like the apocalypse had already come. Lynn said she was afraid for her children and often questioned if God really wanted them to stay. When they felt called to go to central Mozambique, in a more rural area, they had to build everything. They were basically camping in the bush..with snakes, no water, nothing. They have done so much since then. Not only by building houses, workshops, fields, an airstrip (almost), irrigation systems, roads, health clinics, schools..etc. But they have built such strong relationships with the people. They have established strong relationships with the local people, and continue to reach others through Lynn's health care outreach and Dwight's ability to teach the gospel to pastors through his pastoral training program. They support the community through orphan programs, milk feeding programs, widow outreach, sponsorship programs and by employing many at the mission farm. I don't know how many times I heard Dwight say "It probably looks like we don't have much accomplished, but everything takes so long to get arranged here because there are no resources". All I could think was..."are you kidding me?" I cannot believe how much they have accomplished! I only hope and pray that more people will go and see what they have done.

As I said at the beginning, my expectations were not met. What I had thought I would see and feel did not become reality. I already told you what I thought I would see in the people and how they lived, and how I was awed at their beauty. The people smiled, and laughed. They sit outside with their family and friends, they don't hide in their houses like we do. And wow, do they know how to worship!

It actually made me cry to hear them sing in church..yes, the ugly cry..in front of the whole church! What could I do? I could feel God so strongly it just made me weep. After the sermon there was an altar call for prayer. Everyone in that church went to the front. Everyone. I'm talking the woman in crutches with one leg and her blind daughter, right down to the 3 and 4 year olds. They all wanted prayer. I was watching this in awe when Lynn said to Tamara and me that we were being called up to the front to pray for people. Panic. I quickly said "I don't know Portuguese, I won't know what they want prayer for!" You see I was still thinking with my North American mentality. I mean, we have an altar ministry in our church..people are trained for this stuff! But Lynn said if they come to us for prayer we just pray for them...whatever God puts on our hearts. They know that God hears prayers in every language. It was beautiful. Such faith.

We had devotions every morning at  7 am with Lynn and Dwight and the workers. We were able to tell our testimonies, albeit in short form and in simple terms because it had to be translated into Portuguese for the workers to understand. Stephen's testimony broke my heart because it began with how I had broke his heart. Thank you God for turning even the most horrible times into times of unspeakable grace and forgiveness. Thank you Father. Thank you for intervening in our lives and calling us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot even think where we would be today if you had not entered into our lives. Bless you Father!

Another one of my expectations was not met. This one is the most confusing to me. I did not feel God like I expected to. Now, I know this sounds strange after talking about how I could feel God in the church and openly weeping in front of the whole congregation. It is hard to explain. I could see God everywhere. The landscape is so beautiful. I could see God in the trees, the hills, the people, etc. But I didn't or couldn't feel Him like I could at home. At home I know He's with me when I get an urging of the Holy Spirit, in worship singing, in church during a sermon, when I'm with my girls in bible study....but in Mozambique I didn't feel Him personally. It scared me. Was my faith so superficial that I needed these outside influences before I could feel my God? I spoke to everyone about it. But nothing. I prayed about it but it felt like my prayers were resonating off the ceiling. Nothing. Scary. I knew God was with us. It was evident in all the prayers that had already been answered: our bags with all the medication and donated items (3 large bags) made it safely with no hassle, we didn't even have to pay for the extra bags like we thought we had to; there was no problem with the flights; we didn't see one snake or scorpion, and no tarantulas. Logically I knew that God was with me because I believe in His promise that He would never leave me, but I didn't feel Him. I thought that I would feel God more powerfully than I had ever felt Him. Instead I felt Him less than I have since I actively sought Him. People go on missions to be changed by experiencing God in ways they never had before. Right? That is what I thought. People told me before I left that I will be changed by this, everyone is changed after they go on a mission. I was eager with anticipation. So you can imagine my dismay when I felt...nothing. I wasn't in a depressive state. Like I said, I could appreciate the beauty of it all. It was fascinating to see God's majesty. I just felt that instead of having a direct line of communication with God, he had put me on hold. Then we went to Egypt.

Egypt. I have to say that seeing the pyramids, the sphinx, temples and tombs was really cool and interesting. I mean you see these things on Discovery channel! And climbing Mount Sinai was awesome and ultimately, the best part of Egypt. Overall though, I did not like Egypt. It was another one of those expectations that I had that didn't turn out how I thought it would. First of all, let me say that if you are an Egyptian or know an Egyptian..I'm sorry. But, this blog is about my life as I know it.

It all started on the flight to Egypt. We flew out of Johannesburg, South Africa on Egyptair. The plane was nice enough. It was different hearing announcements in Aramaic, then in English but it was expected. The flight was another 8 hour over night flight. My favorite. Now, I don't know why, but I started to get an anxious feeling over me. Maybe it had something to do with the turbulence (which I thought was horrible, but Stephen claims was minor turbulence). I don't know what it was. I was frightened and anxious, and tense. I felt like a ball of stress. I tried to relax. I prayed..a lot. I thought I was going to die. I mean, I don't care for flying but I was scared to death on this flight. The enemy was attacking me like crazy. I thought we were going to crash for sure. I was praying To God to give me strength, to guide us safely to Cairo, to send His angels with us to protect us from the enemy..everything I could think of. I'm anxious right now as I write this thinking of it. I mean I whimpered out loud during the turbulence. Scary. Obviously, we landed safely. Then we met our tour guide who was taking us to Mount Sinai, which was a 6 hour drive (note to readers: don't do an overnight flight, then drive 6 hours in the dessert..not fun). On the way, I still had the same feelings I had on the plane. Maybe it was the military presence with automatic guns everywhere, or the tanks being loaded on to trucks, or the sniper lookouts, or the crazy driving, or even my lack of sleep...who knows? But even after we reached our hotel, and had a sleep before climbing the mountain, I felt the same feeling. I remember standing in the shower, getting ready to go climb Mount Sinai, and trembling. I was trembling, not because I was cold, but because I was scared. Scared of what, I don't know. Yes, I was nervous about climbing Mount Sinai, but I was also excited. This was different. It was like my body was sensing fear that my brain wasn't aware of. Weird. However, climbing the mountain, the feeling left. Now, whether this is because my body was too exhausted to care..who knows? I think it was because I kept thinking about God, and Moses, and that if, just if, this was the place where the Israelites escaped from Egypt and met God. That this could have been the place where God gave His 10 commandments to the people. It was awesome. Let me be clear, I'm not saying I doubt the exodus, I'm just saying that no one knows for sure if this is 'the' Mount Sinai or if it is somewhere else. But it is quite an experience regardless. There were so many people climbing the mountain that morning (we started at 2am, and we reached the top at 4:30am). It was inspiring to hear different cultures singing worship songs in their languages as the sun came up. Beautiful. Peaceful. No anxiety. Maybe because we were with God's people on God's mountain? Who knows?

We were back on the road later that day to Cairo. Anxiety resumed.  I know it's weird, but I almost had the feeling like we didn't belong there, that we weren't wanted. Now, the people themselves were very pleasant. It's not like anyone made us feel that way..it was just the feeling I got about the whole place. Egypt is one of the largest Islamic centers in the world. There is a mosque on every corner..I'm not kidding you..on every corner. There are calls to prayer throughout the day that are blared from minarets everywhere. I'm not going to lie, I felt very uncomfortable. I'm not bashing Muslims, or saying I hate them. But I believe they are lost. They think they have the truth, but they don't. Their religion is based on a lie and that saddens me. While in Cairo I realized that I felt more hope in Mozambique, a third world country, than I felt in Egypt. I felt that Egypt had this cloud of oppression over it, even though they had more economically than Mozambique. I just wanted to go home.

About a week after we got home I was telling my friend about my experience in Egypt..the anxiety I felt. And she said something that rang true to me. She suggested that maybe I had felt the spiritual strongholds present there. Reminding me of Ephesians 6:12 : "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I believe with all my heart that that was what I was feeling. I wasn't welcome there. I didn't belong there. Not by the people, but by the spiritual forces there. They knew that they couldn't touch us, that we didn't belong there. I wonder if they could see the seal on us. "Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession-to the praise of his glory."(Ephesians 1:13-14). So I guess my expectation was met..I experienced God in a powerful way, a way I never have experienced Him before.

Lately I have been feeling lonely again for Him, like I need to reacquaint myself with Him. You ever feel that way? Where you just feel...blah? Like you need a good wakening. A splash of water to revive you again? Yup. That's where I am. I'm not sure why. I feel that I have been given a gift..to feel the spiritual battle going on amongst us. So why am I so...blah? I have been so busy since coming home...busy being sick and tired. I need to just be.  I need to listen again, to spend some quality time with God. But, truth be told, just writing now has helped me. The enemy is slick..he gets you sidetracked with work, with sickness, with excuses...just enough to cover your eyes a little, cover your ears a little..numb out everything...until you feel ...blah. We need to fight the blahness. With everything. Blahness is more dangerous than anger towards God. When you are angry at God you are still fighting...when you become apathetic you slowly sink into a state of numbness where you become just what the enemy wants you to become...inert. Inert means to be unmoving, immobile, lifeless, motionless, inactive. Sounds a lot like how the enemy would like to see us. I'm thinking I just got a disclosure from God on why I have been feeling the way I have. The enemy is trying to unable me from doing what God is calling me to do. Thank you Jesus!

I'm not sure why I never felt God as closely as usual in Mozambique. Maybe He was teaching me to rely on Him even when I don't feel Him. Maybe He was preparing me for Egypt. Maybe if I wasn't trying to feel Him as much as I was I wouldn't have been able to feel the spiritual strongholds I felt. The truth is, I'm not sure right now why. But I do know that I trust Him. Things happen for a reason, whether or not we know the reason. Now that I'm thinking of it, I think I was almost disappointed when I came home, that I never had a 'wow' moment with God. I think I almost felt like I failed at the whole mission thing. No revelations, no powerful manifestations of God. Way to go LauraLee. I think that thought right there gave the enemy enough of a footing to twist me into a state of...blahness. Tricky bugger.

Lesson learned: God loves when you have expectations of Him, but be flexible enough so that God can mold that expectation into something greater, something you weren't expecting. I expected to experience God in a way I never had before...me thinking:"Oh, wouldn't it be nice to see someone healed, speak in tongues, speak a Word over someone prompted by the Holy Spirit.." But no. Just something bigger and more supernatural. How about He lets me feel the spiritual battle going on in the spiritual realm? Oh ya. Definitely an experience I haven't done before. Thank you Father. And here I was feeling blah? Please!