You see, I have a nasty habit of elevating others to a level of esteem that I believe is above me. I have had a "I'm not worthy" label attached to my forehead for most of my life, if not all of it. Not sure why it's there, or when it was placed, or by whom..but it's there and it's taken a while for me to realize it. But the ironic thing is, it most often becomes visible when I am around people who I feel are more spiritually "above" me.
We went to a youth conference on our sojourn. It was a 3 day conference with great well-known speakers, and worshipped with amazing bands and 15,000 people from around the country, and perhaps the world. At first I was just so overwhelmed with the magnitude of believers gathered in one place. And the worship! If you have read any of my other blogs you already know how much I love music..I love how it makes you feel and how one song can sum up exactly how you're feeling at any given moment. I don't think I could have raised my hands or voice higher during worship! It was what I can only hope heaven will be like! I could feel God moving..my focus was only for Him. And the speakers were great, I feel like they were genuinely after God's heart.
As the conference went on I had a feeling of being "left behind". How do I say this without sounding pessimistic or skeptical? I began to feel that the moving of the Holy Spirit was being overtaken by the power of the mob. Maybe it was just me and my family..but we all felt like people were feeding off of each other and not feeding off of the Holy Spirit. Now, I'm not saying that there weren't people who were genuinely in the Spirit. Absolutely. But I feel like a lot were trying to one-up the guy next to them. So as I'm feeling this heaviness in my heart, I begin to rebuke myself for not being "holy enough" to feel the Holy Spirit like everyone else is. And at that moment the thought comes to me to just fake it..scream like everyone else...holler louder than the guy in front of you..c'mon LauraLee...act the part if you can't be the part. At that moment I felt the wrongness of it all. I sat down. Amongst over 14000 people standing and shouting to the Lord. I sat down..and started praying. This shout to the Lord lasted 30 minutes. 30 minutes of an arena filled with 15000 people shouting, screaming to the Lord. It should have been a life-changing moment. I know many people felt that way..it's still talked about on you tube. Then why was my heart so heavy? My heart was so sad. At first I thought the enemy had hold of me..blocking my ability to feel what everyone else was. My "not worthy" label was shining bright. But as I prayed for understanding, the heaviness continued to weigh me down. God spoke to me then. "I want praise from your heart, not from your lips." Please understand, I'm not saying that everyone there was fake. I believe that the majority were really feeling the Holy Spirit. I think I could just sense how the mob mentality was outweighing the truth.
Now, again, this was a youth conference. The majority of the crowd were high school and college-aged people. So I know how they have no fear in showing their zeal for the Lord. I love it. Passionate for their God. We all can learn a thing or two about letting go of our inhibitions when worshipping from this age group. God bless them. I think that's what drew me to this conference, the idea of worshipping with believers of this age group...so much fun. So you can imagine how disappointed I was to have these feelings.
Another thing happened during the conference that made me really angry. Which is a shocker, because I don't get angry easily. Okay..I like to give. I truly believe that the money and possessions I have are God's and therefore, He has any right to ask me to give them to someone else. I also know that when I give when told to (by the Holy Spirit) I will be doubly blessed by Him. I have been led to give money when I'm already counting pennies to get the groceries. Because I know, He will aways provide. Always. And I have also been told by the Holy Spirit to not give, even as I am reaching for my wallet...that one was hard to do, but He is sovereign and He knows all..maybe it was somebody else's turn to get blessed by giving of themselves. Who knows? I try my best to listen and follow orders. So when the first request for an offering was announced I wasn't offended at all. But when the same request was asked 2 more times during the conference I was angry. The request came after the arena was in a frenzy from worshipping. It wasn't just a simple request..no, the guy stood on stage for like 15 minutes waving credit card slips. Everything stopped while ushers herded into the crowd handing out baskets and credit card slips. These are mostly kids people. They already paid $60 each for thier tickets, they are with their youth groups..just looking to connect with God. Come on guys. I was so angry and frustrated I actually growled outloud. When it happened the next day I couldn't even focus on God. We left early because I was so angry. Yes, I know that money is needed to help support events, but when the focus comes off God and is placed on getting money it angers me.
The point of this all is not just to rant. I promise. The point is that I realized that I was measuring my worth, my faith, against those at the conference. I allowed myself to believe that other people's experiences with God, other people's histories with God, were superior to my own. I was dusting off my "I'm not worthy " label again. Just because thousands of people were in the Spirit and I wasn't, doesn't mean that I'm any less important to God. I could have just 'went with it' and stood shouting with everyone else, but I would have been lying to myself and God..and I wouldn't have sat down and gotten the lesson on the importance of genuine worship to God. We often hear that we will sometimes have to stand alone amongst others for God..well, this was one of those moments..except I sat alone for God. And I also learned that I need to trust the voice inside me, I need to trust when I feel the Holy Spirit. When something doesn't feel right and I've prayed about it, I need to heed it's warning. Because God is speaking. We are coming to an age where there are many decievers out there. Those who will proclaim they know the truth, but instead they will lead many astray. We need to be vigilent about measuring their words and actions against God's Word. We need to be ready to stand alone at the cost of ridicule or those who would call us faithless. We need to put our trust and faith in the True King.
We all have stories. Thank you God! The rest of our road trip was blessed with meeting people with great stories. How they came to know God. What their lives were like growing up. I know before I would think that other people's stories were better than mine..more dramatic..more holy..deeper, more meaningful. I would measure myself against them. Why should I tell my story? It's not as exciting as others. What difference could it make? Now I know that we all have a story. And that each of our stories are sacred to God. It's like all our stories are a tapestry..or a big quilt..each square is a story of redemption and renewal. I love it. We need to own our stories and share them. We need to bless and encourage each other..that is what a testimony is all about. Sharing God's love and His providence with others. How He works each of our lives into a great love story, some of love lost and then found..of a strong relationship with God throughout life...of living in the pit, then being rescued..all are worthy. We may never know the effect our little story has on others. But God knows. So don't measure yourselves against others when it comes to faith, measure yourselves according to God's standards.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
No comments:
Post a Comment